Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Well, I guess this is going to be my way of trying something new. I do not know if I am ready to go "all video" yet, but I might go half and half.

my foot is getting worse, and I am putting off calling off anyone, because I still do not think anyone cares.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

March 10Th, Jesus Christ. If I was a bowel movement, there would already be some kind of procedure to remove an obstructruction!!!

This blog, like so much of other parts of my life, could have been so much more.

I really hate these three-thirty a-m pity nights that keep you awake when you know you did everything right. . .

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Fighting Through

I am still locked in this battle
of scraping
out a life while 
trying to fold in
almost 20-different medications;
some to keep back a 17 year old
dance with the disease
a few still call a cleansing act from God
to weed out the Forsaken,

capsules to help stop the shakes,
nerve damage, muscle atrophy 
and traffic pile-up stabbings
of pain
left over as I moved 
from pill to pill
(some say),
or the virus has become

an out of control
whirling dervish,
crashing inside me
and not bothering to pick up
any table, ligament
or lamp
off the floor.

And even this setting
has become old,
and all the plot-points
now stale
and borderline cliche
when people ask
how I am,
and I forget 
I do not need to be honest,
just happy that they
remembered my name.

My legs tripped up on me
(or simply took a break
from working)
so now I have 
one more gash on my forehead
that will probably
turn into yet another scar
(and maybe a couple 
cracked/broken ribs
to hammer any questions
or denials into 
tiny, precious pieces 
scattered into dust
scattered into an objective wind)
that I will have to explain away
when the concerned ask.


Anyways. . . . . .

{I spent most of this night watching old video blogs on Rosie.com, wondering if the poem really ever got to her. If she read and enjoyed it simply, without thinking that any
attempts/thoughts of "big breaks" were attached, or if I should have told her that
it was the first real poem that I had created in a year, and how much hope that gave me.}

{But we all have more important things in our lives, ya know. Right now, I am just on a slow upward climb over medications and infections to get to mine. And today, I want to climb. Today I want to feel my body and mind stretch and strain as I show anyone who might look that today, today I choose to accept and fight against these so-called "strikes." Today I cannot think of things like Surrender. I have seen all those who surrendered, and I think some got their panels added to the NAMES quilt this year."}

{There is still so much of me that I do not like: choices, actions, things I have done or said and the shame of it all makes the tears burst out of me and Gravity send me to my knees. I have had mornings when I cannot face the world with a body full of aches and pain and night sweats, so I do my damnedest to separate from reality by retreating into my apartment and staying away from things like hygiene or getting dressed.}

{And I still cannot look into a mirror and see the "handsome and sexy (other's words, not mine)" others compliment me about. . . But I am trying.}

{God help me, I am going get a life back before any "crumbling of dirt," or "folding of cloth."}




Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Another Damn Season!

Another damn season haas gone past me, and instead of pining all melancholy-like, and scribble about aborted poetic images lying strung around me like some DC supervillan right before a miracle save knocks him on his ass.