This is how I can cope.

 I am sorry that I am not online enough, but I need to tell you that I am just now getting out of a ten year relationship. Chris always promised me that he would talk to me before he decided to end things, and I promised to never, ever cheat (basically have sex without him around, and then not tell him). We had our ups and downs. Most of the downs were mine. I have been HIV+ for almost twenty years now. When I first tested, I was in a double blind study about combination therapies, and the use of Viracept and Viramune. Three years later, when the study was over and they told us what we were taking, they call it "un-blinding, how droll, they told me I had been taking nothing but large amounts of AZT and placebos.

Since then AZT has pretty much obliterated my system. I have all sorts of side-effects, like chronic pain, being tired all the time, and other things that do not paint me in a good light. I take meds to deal with the side effects; so basically to deal with the side effects of four pills and some that I have taken before, I now take a total of 19 different medications. That can fill you up, and tire you out.

Anyways, my ex invites a guy to stay at our house while he finds a place to live. He just recently got out of a relationship, which is why he needs a place to live. He turns out to be incredibly handy (to keep all the players straight so to say, let's call him Billy) 

Well my partner suddenly (at least to me it was) decides to cheat on me with Billy. My partner, let's call him Chris also thinks it would be a great idea to end our relationship and just be friends. He does not think that he and Billy would become an item, but if they did, I was expected to "get over it." I was also commanded not to have anyone over unless he knew and approved the person, and by all means, keep my mouth shut, or he would not even take care of my aging dog (who I do not think has another move left within her. She is a Boston named Lucy, and will be 12yrs old very soon) after I got tossed into the street.


So for the past I guess three weeks (as I was corrected. Three is a breed of gay men who do not think you should have any deep and real emotions at all. Three weeks is way to long to be upset about anything. I wonder how long he felt he could mourn when his mother died. I wonder how long he will mourn his sister who sadly has MS. I do not think he will shed a tear for me) I have alternated between anger, confusion and down right sadness full of tears and stuttering breath and that secret wish we cannot tell anyone. That wish of death to come right now because we do not know how much more we can take.

I should tell you more about our "houseguest." he has experience in yard work, and went right to bat taking care of our little bit of dirt, made it all green and matching with the rest of the neighborhood. He also had experience as a Nurse, which came in handy for Sheila and her partner who isn't really sick per se. She has a small bit of Post traumatic shock (another one of those long stories where you really need to get the facts down before you speak) and a pelvis that has been broken in three places due to her weight (last time anyone said a thing to me, she was at 317 pounds on her five-foot-five frame.

So as you might expect, Chris told me that he and Billy are going out. I did not take it well. I wanted to scream at Chris,"You fucking idiot, do you know why his last relationship ended? Do you really? Billy heated on Nathan! Do you think he is going to be different to you? How dumb can you be? If you needed sex so bad, you could have asked me or said "yes" to me anytime this past year?!"

We have been fighting all day. I have been accused of using threats.  I just do not want us to get in trouble with the people at HUPWA. If we moved the lovebirds up here (Chris and Sheila bought a house that was converted into a duplex; one apartment on the top floor, and one on the main, with an unfinished basement. Currently, the fuck buddies are in the basement, Sheila and company have the main floor, and I am alone on the top) we would have to rearrange the whole house once a year to not get caught. Or we could be honest, and then I would lose a lot of benefits. I do not want anyone to get in trouble because I need a place to live.  

I also worry how I would be able to handle the two of them living next to me. It would feel to me like they were rubbing it in my face. I would be able to see other men, if they passed Chris' inspection. I would be really tempted to go out with someone they had dated,but that would make me no better than them..

I asked nearly everyone I knew today, "what do I do?" and most of them Said he was being especially mean about the whole situation. I think he is upset about the break-up and does not want anyone else to know. I am
lost. I have been in many cities, and survived. Can I survive in this one. Can Lucy?

The early days of August, 2011

Been  a relatively quiet few days here in Rancho de Loaners. I even got a chance to write a poem. Now, I know I am very rusty, and today I am thankful no one reads this blog. so here we go, true believers:

UNTITLED


After one too many funerals
or whispered clippings
found in the back pages
of the afternoon paper

it's like the blood has started
to dry on my hands
as the memories,
and the guilt

of being on the good side
of the casket again
becomes too much
this overcast Nebraska afternoon.

Brian Bengtson.



I hope someone liked it and got the meaning. Sometimes it is so hard to write because I never know if I am holding onto a good image or keeping a great metaphor. Reminds me of those first few times we all smoked pot and the buzz from the THC (which, if you listen to all the news and such, is about 6o-65% stronger than the weed of the sixties. Isn't this modern age wonderful?) actually made the room (or park, or classroom, or car parked down by some lonely road no one ever uses) spin. the lower half of your body would turn to Malt-O-Meal, and everything you did would create gales of giggles and laughter. And then, as always you had to go home and navigate through the maze of Mom & Dad just so you could crawl into the bed, close your eyes real tight, and let the room spin you to sleep.

Anyways, here is a poem I wrote after a really long dry spell, and I hope someone liked it


Peace,

Brian